My husband spends a lot of time on social media engaging with others to explain the problems with complementary/patriarchal theology. He asked if he could write a post for my blog and organize all his conversations in one place. I’m so happy to share his thoughts with you!

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My previous article, Love & Submit ≠ Husbands Lead, Wives Submit, looked at the corruptive nature of complementarian theology in marriage. Despite the many bad fruits of this theology, many complementarians still insist Biblical marriage is hierarchal, with the husband leading his wife from a prominent place of authority over her.

If the husband’s leadership and authority over his wife is crucial to marriage, surely Scripture would have plenty of instructions for husbands about leading, right? Let’s do a husband-focused study of Scripture, and see what we find…

What does Scripture say to husbands?

Here’s some key sections of Scripture specifically addressed to husbands in the context of marriage: Ephesians 5:25-33, 1 Peter 3:7, and Colossians 3:19.

Ephesians 5:25-33

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In this section of Scriptural instruction to husbands, we can see two general instructions for a husband:

• A husband should sacrificially love his wife
• A husband should be unified and equal with his wife

The husband should sacrificially love his wife

In verse 25, Scripture instructs husbands to love their wives, using the model of how Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? By giving Himself up for her. “Love” in this context isn’t a warm fuzzy feeling, or some vague notion, but is concretely defined: the instruction is for husbands to sacrificially love their wives, with the ultimate example of sacrificial love as the model: Christ Himself.

When Paul wrote Ephesians instructing husbands to love their wives, he could have given this instruction any number of ways, but Paul chose to instruct husbands to emulate Christ’s willing death on a cross – quite literally the greatest example of sacrificial love in existence.

The husband should be unified and equal with his wife

From verse 28 to 33, Scripture teaches that a husband should love his wife as himself, and that husband and wife should become one. This is an instruction of not only of unity, but also of equality – for the husband to consider his wife just as important himself. A husband is to love and consider the wife the same as his own body, as himself, because in marriage, they are to be one. In fact, the wife is of such great value that it is the man who leaves his parents and unites with his wife.

1 Peter 3:7

⁷ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Peter 3:7 (NIV)

In this section, the husband is instructed to…

• be considerate of his wife
• treat his wife with respect

Additionally, we can also see…

• the wife is heir with her husband
• the husband’s prayers will be hindered if these instructions are not followed

The husband should be considerate of his wife

While 1 Peter 3 does not explicitly talk about sacrificial love like Ephesians 5, it’s reasonable to expect that a husband being considerate of his wife would involve taking into consideration her thoughts and desires, and giving them serious weight.

The husband should treat his wife with respect

Some translations render “respect” here as “honor” – which takes the instruction for husbands even a step beyond being “considerate”. This is an echo of the wife’s instruction given an instruction at the end of Ephesians 5:33; while the husband is instructed to be unified with his wife, the wife is instructed to “respect her husband”. Here, we see the converse, that the husband is instructed to respect his wife. It’s important to note that even though Scripture describes the wife as the “weaker partner”, the instruction to the husband due to this is to respect his wife.

The husband is reminded that his wife is heir with him

While this isn’t an actual instruction for the husband, Scripture does remind him that his wife is an “heir with him” of the gracious gift of life – an expression of equality and unity, much like what we find in Ephesians 5.

The husband’s prayers will be hindered

Interestingly, the instructions to husbands in 1 Peter 3 actually carries a consequence for husbands if they do not follow Scripture – the husband’s prayers will be hindered.

This is a huge theological statement – the husband’s relationship with God actually depends on his relationship with his wife. After instructing the man to be considerate and treat his wife with respect, reminding him that his wife is “heir” with him and that they are to be equal and unified, 1 Peter 3 gives a specific warning for the husband that his own relationship with God will be hindered if he does not treat his wife accordingly.

Colossians 3:19

The book of Colossians also has a very brief instruction for husbands:

¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Colossians 3:19 (NIV)

There isn’t a whole lot to unpack here, but it certainly aligns with the more detailed instructions in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3:7.

Summary of Instructions to Husbands

Putting the various sections of Scripture together, we can summarize the instructions the Bible gives to husbands:

• A husband should sacrificially love his wife (Eph 5:25, Col 3:19)
• A husband should respect (honor) his wife (1 Peter 3:7)
• A husband should be unified and equal with his wife (Eph 5:28-31)

Now, wait a minute…

Having taken a husband-focused look at Scripture, it doesn’t seem like a husband is in a hierarchal position “over” his wife at all! He’s called to love, respect, and honor his wife. He’s called to be unified with her, and to consider her an equal – and disobeying Scripture’s instructions on this will actually hinder the husband’s own relationship with God. Furthermore, the husband’s love is to be sacrificial – to the point of being compared to Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross!

While most husbands will likely never be called upon to physically die for their wife, with the greatest example of sacrificial love as the model (Christ), there is certainly no limit to the extent that a man should die to self by lovingly giving up his own desires for his wife’s.

In fact, look at how Christ Himself describes His own sacrifice:

⁴⁵ For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Mark 10:45 (NIV)

Christ describes His own sacrifice as service – and so a husband, following Christ’s ultimate model of service for His Bride) should serve his wife.

None of this sounds like the complementarian view that a husband wields authority to lead his wife from a higher place of hierarchy.

On the contrary, if a husband is to sacrificially love his wife, showing her honor and respect, placing her needs and desires above his own, even serving her – that sounds an awful lot like submission. Isn’t that what the wife’s supposed to do, not the husband?

And what about the complementarian ideas of the husband’s role as leader? What about being head of the household / headship? These ideas certainly weren’t given in any instructions for husbands that we just looked at. Where do complementarians get those ideas? Not from Scriptural instructions for husbands, but instead from sections addressed to wives.

What about the instructions to wives?

Many will say “well, of course you’d end up with this view of husbands loving, sacrificing, even serving their wives because you only looked at half of Scripture! You skipped all the verses that are directed at wives!”

That’s exactly the point…

Complementarians Emphasize Instructions For Wives Over Instructions for Husbands

Ironically, complementarians arrive at their view of the husband leading his wife with his greater authority by focusing on and emphasizing primarily the instructions for the wife. In other words, complementarians treat the Bible’s instructions to the wife as more important and crucial to marriage than the instructions given to the husband.

When it comes to marriage, most complementarians will say that the most important Biblical instruction for wives is to submit, while the most important instruction for husbands is to lead.

It’s easy to see the instructions in Scripture for wives to submit – many are quick to point out Ephesians 5:22-24.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24

Note: while this article is primarily focused on the instructions given to husbands in Scripture, it’s important to note that the call in Scripture for wives to submit does not supersede their greatest commandments – to Love God and Love Neighbor as Self. My wife highlights the dangers of over-emphasizing female submission in
Submission Saved My Marriage! The Tragic Irony of Christian Complementarianism.

But where are the verses for husbands to lead? Where does the Bible teach “Husbands, lead your wives, as Christ lead the church?”

Since Scripture never says this, complementarians base this idea that “husbands lead” also on Ephesians 5:22-24.

But complementarians do teach husbands to love

It’s not that complementarians completely disregard the instructions given to husbands – many will be quick to say that “yes, husbands should love their wives”.

The issue is that complementarians consider the non-existent instruction for husbands to “lead” their wives as the foundational (more important) context for interpreting the other verses about marriage, including the instructions to husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives…” then becomes “love your wife by leading her”. Sometimes it can go even further (and abusive) and become “love your wife by leading her to submit” – because “wives submit” is in Scripture, and certainly it’s loving to lead your wife to follow Scripture, right?

This completely flips the actual instruction given for the husband to sacrificially love his wife from dying to himself for her to “leading” her. It turns a self-less instruction into a selfish one.

Here’s another well-known section of Scripture helping us understand Biblical love, and “loving by leading” is nowhere to be found, but “not being self-seeking” certainly is.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Instructions to Wives

However, does the complementarian view that “husbands lead” have any basis in the instructions given to wives? Perhaps Scripture doesn’t explicitly say “husbands, lead your wives”, but perhaps it implies it?

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22

As we mentioned, one of the most commonly referenced sections of Scripture used to justify male “headship” / the husband leading is also commonly used to teach that the wife should submit.

Indeed, some treat Ephesians 5:22 as foundational to marriage:

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…

Ephesians 5:22

Complementarians reason that in order for the wife to submit, the husband must lead. While on the surface this argument sounds reasonable, it’s actually faulty reasoning and also doesn’t take into account the actual language and context of this verse. Plus, it ignores the many verses of actual instruction to husbands that we’ve already considered – verses that instead of exhorting husbands to lead, actually instruct them to something that seems an awful lot like submission.

Wives submit ≠ husbands lead

Saying “husbands should lead” because “wives are instructed to submit” sounds good on the surface, but is actually faulty reasoning. Simply because one can submit to a leader doesn’t always mean that there must be leader in order for you to follow.

A great example of this 1 Corinthians 7. This section gives identical instructions for both the husband and wife.

⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4

One would expect when Scripture first teaches that “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband” it would follow through with the converse of “having received authority from the wife, the husband leads her”.

In fact, the wife giving authority to her husband is an example of “wives, submit yourself to your own husbands” and yet Scripture does not follow with “so husbands can lead their own wives”. Instead of Scripture affirming the husband’s authority and leadership over the wife, Scripture gives husband’s the exact same instruction, but now for the husband – to yield authority of his own body to his wife. Scripture is clear it’s about both wife and husband submitting to each other – not one being in authority over the other.

Note:

Some people weaponize 1 Corinthians 7 and abuse it to demand that the wife submit to her husband’s sexual desires. This is an intentional and sinful twisting of Scripture, completely turning what the Bible teaches upside down.

The entire point of this 1 Corinthians 7 is about the mutuality and equality between the husband and wife, not about the husband demanding fulfillment at the expense of the wife.

Of course, this section is in the context of sex, so some may say that this mutuality only applies to sex. Although sex does not equate to marriage, becoming “one flesh” certainly is foundational to a Biblical view of marriage, starting right in Genesis 2:24:

²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

The one flesh unity and mutuality found in sex is a physical expression of the same unity and mutuality to be found throughout the marriage relationship. If we’re instructed to have mutuality in such a foundational aspect of marriage (sex), how much more should it be found in the rest of the marriage relationship?

Is this some kind of inconsistency in Scripture, where the section in 1 Corinthians 7 speaking of a foundational aspect of marriage as completely mutual, while Ephesians 5:22 seems to teach that submission is only for wives?

On the contrary, Scripture is completely consistent, because the actual language and context of Ephesians 5:22 doesn’t teach one-sided submission for wives.

Ephesians 5:21-22 teaches mutual submission, not one-sided submission for wives

When we read the verse “wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…”, it certainly doesn’t sound like there is any mutuality described in it. Indeed, if we read this verse as some Bible translations have it, it seems quite reasonable to make this the foundational context of Biblical marriage – after all, the section about wives, husbands / marriage starts with Ephesians 5:22 at the beginning.

Take for instance, the ESV translation:

Ironically, if we look a bit closer at Scripture, we’ll see that the critical, foundational verse for the complementarian view that the wife should one-sidedly submit to her husband is actually part of the foundational verse for mutual submission – that the wife should submit to her husband and that the husband should submit to his wife.

Take a look at another translation of this section. Here the ESV is on the left, and the NIV on the right. Notice the difference in placement of the “section header”:

The ESV groups verse 21 with the previous section, and starts a new section “Wives and Husbands” with verse 22, while the NIV includes verse 21 under the “Instructions for Christian Households” section.

It’s helpful to remember that this isn’t an “error'” or “discrepancy” in the Bible. Section headers, even verse numbers, actually aren’t part of the Bible at all. These were added in by Bible translators as they translated the Bible from the original language (in this case, Greek) to English. Where each section begins and ends, even the “section title”, are interpretive choices made by Bible translators.

Additionally, and more importantly, both the ESV and NIV translations obscure something critical about these verses in the original language:

In Ephesians 5:22 (“wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…”), the verb submit does not exist in the original language!

While the ESV and NIV translations hid this fact, some other translations, such as the NASB, are better about revealing their interpretive translation choices:

Notice that while the NASB has a section break separating verse 21 and verse 22, the words be subject (i.e. “submit”) is shown in italics in verse 22. The NASB has a helpful guide that indicates what the different types of formatting represent:

Words in italics are not found in the original text but implied by it. So why do translators put “submit” in verse 22? Where does this word come from? It’s “carried over”, or implied from verse 21. In other words, “wives submit to husbands” is implied by “submit to one another” – certainly a reasonable implication, since both wives and husbands are part of “one another”.

So which translation is more accurate? Which interpretive choice is more representative of the original text? Where should the section header be? Perhaps the most accurate translation would simply not attempt to break the text into two sections, but instead allow Paul’s thoughts to flow through the text, as originally intended. Verses 21 and 22 would thus be better translated as:

…submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives to husbands…

Ephesians 5:21-22

In other words, instead of “wives submit to husbands” being the foundational verse instructing a wife to submit one-sidedly to her husband, it instead reinforces and gives further instruction for mutual submission, taught to us literally just a few words prior.

Therefore, wives are not instructed to submit to husbands outside the context of mutual submission. Put another way, wives are not instructed to submit to husbands without husbands also being instructed to submit to wives.

For those who have grown up with the teaching that wives submit and husbands lead, this may feel too much of a stretch – but when we examined the instructions for husbands, what did we find? A husband is to sacrificially love his wife, showing her honor and respect, placing her needs and desires above his own, even serving her – what is this, if not the husband also and mutually submitting to his wife?

What about headship?

The other verse that complementarians use to justify their view that the husband, with his greater authority, should lead his wife, is also found in a section of instructions to wives.

²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Ephesians 5:23

Many teach that this verse is a clear instruction for husbands to lead their wives, because they are “head” of the wife, just as Christ is “head” of the church. In fact, the Christ/church/marriage metaphor given in this one, singular verse is often a key component to the idea that “husbands should lead”.

While metaphors can be helpful to our understanding of theological realities, deriving a clear instruction for husbands to lead from this one verse is quite problematic:

1. It’s a metaphor, not an instruction
2. It’s in a section of verses directed at wives, not husbands
3. “head” doesn’t mean “lead”
4. There are clear instructions given to husbands starting in verse 25, none of which instruct husbands to “lead”

Interpreting the word “head” in verse 23 to mean “authority” or “lead” simply doesn’t fit with the verse itself, the verses before it, or the verses after it.

So what does the husband being “head” like Christ is “head” mean? The best context for understanding this verse is carefully considering the verse itself, as well as the verses surrounding it.

First, let’s consider the actual text of verse 23 itself:

²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 

Eph 5:23 (NIV)

If we are to interpret this verse as “husbands should lead”, then verse 23 must be referencing Christ’s rule – His Kingship. Yet verse 23 makes no mention of Christ as King of the Church, but instead describes Christ’s relationship to the Church as Savior. If “head” meant “lead” or “rule” here, why did Paul emphasize the sacrificial nature of Christ, as opposed to the Rule and Kingship of Christ?

Make no mistake – Christ certainly does lead and rule the Church; in fact, He is King over everything. But when you’re comparing husbands to Christ in a metaphor, it’s crucial to know which specific attributes of Christ are being referenced – husbands aren’t being instructed to have every attribute of Christ in this comparison.

Some may say “the Church submits to Christ, not the other way around, so husbands don’t submit to wives” – but this pushes the metaphor too far. The Church does indeed submit to Christ, as does everything and everyone else, because Christ is God. Are husbands then “god” to their wives? Of course not – the idea that a husband is “god” to his wife is heretical.

⁵ For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, ⁶ who gave himself as a ransom for all people. 

1 Tim 2:5-6 (NIV)

But how does one reconcile the idea that Christ is “head” with the emphasis of Christ being “Savior”? While in today’s English, “head” often can be connected with an idea of authority (especially in a church culture that emphasizes the idea of “headship” – a word never found in the Bible), the use of the word “head” in the original language and culture often was unrelated to leadership or authority.

In the original language and culture, “head” often meant “origin” or “source”, which may sound odd, but even in modern English today, “head” can have this meaning. Consider the phrase: “the head of the river”. This usage of the word “head” doesn’t have any implication of authority or leadership, but merely refers to the source, or origin of the river.

Philip B. Payne has a freely available resource that dives into a lot of information on the metaphor of Christ being “head” – definitely worth a read.

Another modern example of the use of the word “head” unrelated to leadership or authority is when one describes a student as the “head of the class” – prominent certainly, perhaps the most knowledgeable/skilled, but by no means does this carry any implication of authority or leadership over the rest of the class.

When we consider that “head” in verse 23 means “source”, it’s actually fits very well with the idea of Christ as Savior. Christ certainly is the origin and source of the Church, establishing it by His sacrificial work as Savior.

If Paul had wanted to emphasize Christ’s rule or leadership, it would have been simple to write: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the King.” But Christ’s rule wasn’t what was on Paul’s mind when he wrote these verses about marriage – His sacrifice was.

Since the verses before it already established the context of mutual submission, the definition of “head” as a one-sided form of leadership or rule fits poorly.

If we again consider the verses after verse 23, which give actual instructions to husbands, we see that the instructions given to husbands actually fit perfectly with the description and definition given in Scripture of Christ as “head”: Savior.

²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…

Ephesians 5:23-25

The text continues the Christ/marriage metaphor which began in verse 23 (when addressing wives) and applies it to husbands, again emphasizing that husbands should sacrificially love their wives, just as Christ gave himself up for the church. The metaphor of “head” isn’t one of authority or leadership – but one describing the origin or source of the church as the ultimate model for how the husband should interact with his wife: sacrificial love.

Marriage has always been about equality and unity

Starting with creation in Genesis, God’s design for marriage was never about hierarchy, but mutuality and unity:

²⁷ So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.

²⁸ God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Genesis 1:27-28 (NIV)

When God first created humanity, He created both male and female, and gave them both rule over the Earth, without distinction of hierarchy among male and female. Some claim that because God created woman to “help” the man, the woman must be subordinate, but this meaning is never found in the text – in fact, the same word for “help” used to describe the woman is often used to describe God as “help”, or rescuer for Israel.

¹⁸ The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18 (NIV)

Let’s also not forget that God said that the man being alone was “not good” – why? It certainly wasn’t because the man didn’t have anything to rule over – the rest of creation already existed at this point. It was because the man didn’t have an equal, a suitable partner with whom he could rule the Earth together.

In fact, many refer to women as men’s subordinate help with the term “helpmeet”, a non-existent word that stems from the KJV translation of this verse:

¹⁸ And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Genesis 2:18 (KJV)

While perhaps this isn’t the best translation, the KJV translators did capture and express a bit of the nuance around the kind of “help” woman was to be – not just any help, but a help meet.

When complementarians take Ephesians 5:22 (wives submit) out of its context of mutual submission and use it as the underlying foundation for marriage, they are unable to engage with this text as it’s actually written.

Instead of thinking carefully about what the two words “help meet” might mean, they treat it as one word, helpmeet, and figure that God not only created woman, but a whole new word to mean “subordinate help”.

But even in the KJV, woman is described as equal. Woman certainly was created to help man, but not as a subordinate helper, but as an equal helper – one that meets the man.

Even in modern English, the word “meet” carries a meaning of equality. For instance, when the phrase that someone has “met their match” in competition, it means that they are equal – perhaps even greater.

Marg Mowczko has many resources available on this topic, and her website has a much deeper dive into the text of Genesis 2:18 and of the woman being an ezer kenegdo.

Marriage is about unity, not hierarchy

Ephesians 5:31 calls back to Genesis 2, emphasizing the unity between husband and wife, not a hierarchy of husband over wife:

³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:31 (NIV)

²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

If the husband was actually in hierarchy over the wife, one might expect this passage to read: “…a wife goes out from under her father, and is now under her husband”.

This verse isn’t describing the husband in hierarchy over his wife, but instead describes the one-flesh unity of husband and wife (which 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 describes as completely mutual), and also of equality in marriage, as the man leaves both his father and his mother. In Man and Woman, One in Christ, Payne explains it much more detail:

Genesis does not say that Adam left father and mother and cleaved to his wife. Adam, after all, had no father or mother, so this is not about his initiative or action. Instead, leaving and cleaving stresses the independence of the new family begun by marriage and its priority over all other human relationships. Strikingly, this statement is the opposite of Hebrew experience, where the woman typically left her father and mother to live with her husband. If the text had read, “For this reason shall a woman leave her father and mother and be united to her husband,” doubtless complementarians would interpret this as the perfect confirmation that a woman must always be under the authority of a man, leaving her father’s covering to come under her husband’s covering. The text, however, does not endorse this normal pattern of Hebrew patriarchal society.

Instead, the man leaving father and mother suggests the equal standing of father and mother. This equal standing is immediately reinforced both by “and be united to his wife” and “they will become one flesh.” Jesus confirms the Gen 2:24 definition of marriage in Matt 19:5.

Man and Woman, One in Christ. Philip B. Payne, p46-47 (emphasis added)

Also note that reason why a man leaves his parents: because his wife is part of his own body. In Genesis, it’s a reference to the woman being made from one of the man’s ribs, while in Ephesians, it’s the instruction for the husband to love his wife as his own body. Woman being created from one of the man’s ribs isn’t a picture of subordination, but one of sameness or equality. In Genesis, the man says:

²³ This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh

Genesis 2:23

At creation, the man recognizes that the woman is the same as him, rather than below him.

The curse of the fall

Of course, many complementarians will appeal to Genesis 3:16 as a verse that instructs husbands to “rule” over their wives.

¹⁶ To the woman he said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
    with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
    and he will rule over you.”

Genesis 3:16 (NIV)

My wife’s article, Age of Patriarchy: Desire of Woman & Rule of Man, goes into much more detail around the fall, and how man ruling over woman is a result of the fall, not God’s original design.

When we read the Genesis creation and fall account and engage with the text as it is written, instead of bringing back an out-of-context mindset of “wives submit” from Ephesians 5:22, we can see that even from the beginning, marriage wasn’t about hierarchy, but equality and unity.

Hierarchy in marriage came from the sin of the fall, not God’s original perfect design.

Summary

Looking at the various sections of instruction specifically directed to husbands, Scripture teaches that…

• A husband should sacrificially love his wife (Eph 5:25, Col 3:19)
• A husband should respect (honor) his wife (1 Peter 3:7)
• A husband should be unified and equal with his wife (Eph 5:28-31)

Having also looked at Scripture verses of instruction for both husband and wife, we also see that Scripture teaches…

• When a wife submits to her husband, it’s because we are all instructed to submit to another (Eph 5:21-22)
• The husband is “like Christ” because his sacrificial love is to be modeled after Christ’s sacrifice on the cross (Eph 5:23, Eph 5:25)
• The husband yields his authority to his wife; the wife yields her authority to her husband (1 Cor 7)

With these teachings of Scripture in mind, particularly with the instruction to submit to one another in Ephesians 5:21, a Biblical marriage based on the actual teachings of Scripture can be summarized as:

Husbands and wives are to mutually submit to each other, out of reverence for Christ.

To be clear, this does not mean simply that “husband should submit to wives”, just as to simply say Ephesians 5:22 says “wives should submit to husbands” is also taking the verse out of context. The mutual submission of husbands and wives to each other cannot be separated, and must be considered together.

If you can’t bring yourself to see that husbands should also submit to their wives, I hope you can at least see that the most crucial instruction for a husband isn’t to lead his wife, but to love her.

You don’t even have to take my word for it. Colossians 3 serves as a quick summary of instructions to husbands and wives. Does Paul choose to exhort husbands to lead in this very short summary? No – he exhorts them to love, just as he does in Ephesians 5.

¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Colossians 3:18-19

This short exhortation for husbands to love their wives should lead us to more closely examine what this love looks like, and realize that the way Scripture defines a husband’s love is really just another form of submission – perhaps an even higher form, with Christ as the ultimate model.

We should ALL be “like” Christ

The instructions that Scripture give to husbands actually align quite well with the metaphor comparing husbands to Jesus. In marriage, Scripture instructs that…

• A husband should sacrificially love his wife (Eph 5:25, Col 3:19)
• A husband should respect (honor) his wife (1 Peter 3:7)
• A husband should be unified and equal with his wife (Eph 5:28-31)

Compare this to the instructions given to all men and women in Philippians 2, with Christ as the model:

³ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

Philippians 3:6-8 (ESV)

We’re all called to be like Jesus:

• Humility: “count others more significant than yourselves”
• Love others as self: “look also to the interests of others”
• Not seek power: “did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped”
• Sacrifice: “emptied himself”
• Serve: “taking the form of a servant”

This how Scripture describes Jesus – and it aligns perfectly with the actual instructions that Scripture gives to husbands. If a husband is supposed to be “like” Christ, then let him be like Christ!

Ironically for complementarians, when a husband’s focus is on leading his wife, he is in reality focusing on her submission, resulting in the husband not being like Christ.

When a husband mutually submits to his wife by being focused on loving her as himself, dying to himself by giving up his own desires for her, not seeking to have power over her but instead serving her, the husband then displays Christ-like character.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…

Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)

⁴⁵ For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Mark 10:45 (NIV)

Husbands, are you loving your wife like Christ loved the church, by giving yourself up and serving her? Or are you too busy focusing on her submission, while neglecting your own?

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Title image is The Holy Family by School of Raphael

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Related Posts:

Submission Saved My Marriage! The Tragic Irony of Christian Complementarianism – The conservative teaching of male leadership disempowers women and leads to abuse. Jesus didn’t always lead by submission. He stood up to bullies and protected the oppressed. Women are empowered to do the same, and it takes wisdom to know how to love others well. For every story of a marriage saved by submission, there is a story of a woman abused because she was taught by the church that her only option was submission.

Love & Submit ≠ Husbands Lead, Wives Submit – When a disagreement occurs in marriage, the wife feels the weight of her entire complementarian theology and church upbringing pressuring her to agree with her husband, all out of a desire to honor God. If submission is the goal, it’s difficult for the wife to discern when to disagree. When she does convince her husband to her way of thinking, there’s guilt that perhaps she didn’t honor God.

Age of Patriarchy: Desire of Woman & Rule of Man – The Hebrew word desire only occurs three times in Old Testament – I explore the significance of the man’s desire in Song of Songs 7:10 echoing the woman’s desire in Genesis 3:16.

(P.S – I started a new job and haven’t been blogging as much lately, but I have been mulling on a post about why I choose to remain Christian despite the rampant church abuse I see all around me. Hopefully I’ll get it posted before the end of the year!)

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