Many conservative evangelical women have led their marriage to a healthier place by following Jesus and learning to love well. The classic conservative marriage testimony that I have repeatedly heard from women often goes like this: “Our marriage was a mess. I (wife) started lovingly submitting to my husband, then he started leading our family in love, and now we have a much happier, healthier marriage.” Let the reader understand the irony of this statement. The wife initiated submission in her marriage, but the husband is praised for his leadership. The greatest racket of conservative white evangelism is that the husband is praised for being a “leader” when he responds with love to his wife’s submission.
It is well-known in the publishing industry that women overwhelming consume the majority of bible studies, books, and blogs about Christian living, including marriage. Many Christian wives actively pursue growing in godliness in their marriages, and many couples have experienced healing in their marriage through the wife’s faithfulness. When a person leads a relationship with love, the other party in the relationship often reciprocates. Often, when a wife leads with humility and submission in her marriage, and if the husband mutually desires restoration, he responds in kind to his wife’s humility, and their marriage experiences healing.
Before we continue, I want to first acknowledge that the concept of submission carries baggage. Though there are several passages in Scripture that call wives to submit to their husbands, it is a concept that has often been used by the church to coerce women into abusive situations, and so the word submission is rightfully a triggering word for many. When I reference the concept of biblical submission, I am referring to its use as Marg Mowczko defines it in Submission is Marriage. I hope you’ll read her full article, but to summarize:
Submission is fundamental to Christian living and healthy relationships that honour God…God’s ideal is for husbands and wives to have harmonious, loving relationships where each partner serves and prefers the other in an interdependent, mutually submissive, loving union…For some, submission is seen as a sign of weakness, but it takes a generous, secure, and mature person to willingly and graciously submit…
The original language of the New Testament (Koine Greek) developed as men from all over the Greek world joined the army of Alexander the Great. Several Greek dialects merged to form a common Greek language that all the soldiers could understand. Koine Greek started off primarily as a language with a military purpose. As the language developed, several military terms, including hupotassō [submit], developed non-military meanings as well as keeping the initial military meaning…
Hypotassō: A Greek military term meaning ‘to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader.’ In non-military use, it was ‘a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.’ (Bible Study Tools)
It is essential that we make the distinction between the military and non-military usage submission if we are to understand Peter and Paul’s intention when they used the word in their instructions to wives. The submission of a wife to a husband does not entail subordination to a leader as it does in a military context. It is grievous that some Christians try to apply a literal, military understanding of submission in the precious and intimate relationship of marriage…
Like humility and meekness, being submissive should be a normal trait and behaviour for all Christians. I define Christian submission (i.e. submission between fellow believers including believing husbands and wives) as “humble, loyal, and loving deference, cooperation and support.”
Every follower of Jesus Christ, regardless of gender, race, social or church position, should endeavour to live in submissive harmony with others. Jesus exemplified this submission and humility during his earthly mission. Our aim should be to intentionally follow Christ’s example:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
But in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests
But also to the interests of others.Our attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Philippians 2:3-8
Who being in the very nature God,
Did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped,
But made himself nothing,
Taking the very nature of a servant,
Being made in the likeness of man,
He humbled Himself and became obedient to death
Even death on a cross!
Couples in conservative spaces often mistakenly believe the complementarian teaching of male leadership/female submission to be true because they experienced healing in their own marriages through female-led submission. This misunderstanding encapsulates the tragic irony of complementarianism. The key to healing in these marriages is the wife’s leadership. She had the agency to choose, and she followed Jesus’ example of submission. Marriages where either partner tries to control the other through nagging, manipulating, coercing, forcing, stonewalling, neglecting, etc., are unhealthy. Healthy marriages practice mutual submission, and many marriages have experienced healing when one spouse initiates submission (defined as a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden) and the other returns in kind. Praise God!
Submission, however, is only a part of love, not the whole of love. God is Love. Love includes (but is not limited to) wisdom, mercy, justice, truth, protection, self-control, grace, boundaries, even anger (slow to anger, not never angry). Jesus calls believers to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:39). Love does not require one to submit to abuse.1 Woe to anyone who elevates female submission above mutual submission. Woe to anyone who elevates female submission above the greatest commandments to “Love God” and “Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.” Egregious harm has occurred in the church because female submission is elevated above mutuality and love.
The conservative teaching of male leadership disempowers women and leads to abuse. Jesus didn’t always lead by submission. He stood up to bullies and protected the oppressed. Women are empowered to do the same, and it takes wisdom to know how to love others well. For every story of a marriage saved by submission, there is a story of a woman abused because she was taught by the church that her only option was submission. Women are called primarily to love, not to submission, and men are called to love, which includes submission. Men are not called to lead/lord over women. Complementarianism corrupts the call for husbands to “love” their wives by twisting it into a call for husbands to “lead” their wives. The couples whose marriages were saved by female leadership in submission but teach it as male leadership empower men to abuse and coerce women to obey.
Though female-led submission has often led marriages to a healthier place, the emphasis on female submission above mutuality even in the healthiest of complementarian relationships pressures a woman to submit and silences her voice in harmful, subtle ways. My husband highlights the problem with complementarian teachings in marriages in his post Love & Submit ≠ Husbands Lead, Wives Submit: “If submission is the goal, it’s difficult for the wife to discern when to disagree. When she does convince her husband to her way of thinking, there’s guilt that perhaps she didn’t honor God.” Female submission should never be emphasized above Paul’s call to mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21.
Patriarchy, deceptively called complementarianism (male leadership/female submission), hurts women. I know for many, the testimonies of women who experienced healing in their marriages when she chose to submit to her husband rings true, but it’s not complementarianism – it is the wife leading her husband spiritually.
Title image: Bellona [Goddess of War], Alessandro Turchi
1LifeSavingDivorce and WildernesstoWild both offer self-tests and resources for recognizing abuse in marriage.
Related Posts:
Love & Submit ≠ Husbands Lead, Wives Submit – My husband wrote a post!
The Apostle Paul Led Me out of Patriarchy – Paul would be appalled to see the way his letters have become the letter of the law to restrict half of the human race from fully expressing the gifts of the Spirit.
Age of Patriarchy: Desire of Woman & Rule of Man – The Hebrew word desire only occurs three times in Old Testament – I explore the significance of the man’s desire in Song of Songs 7:10 echoing the woman’s desire in Genesis 3:16.
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I had no idea what complementarianism was until this year. When I heard that the Southern Baptist Convention was kicking out two churches for having female pastors, something within me told me that was wrong. I don’t believe it came from my Pentecostal beliefs, of which the Pentecostal denominations are egalitarian. Women need to stand up and overthrow complementarianism and their husbands need to help.
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