Jesus teaches the foundation of Christianity is for all believers to “Love God” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Later, Paul expounds that love includes mutual submission: “Submit to one another” (Ephesians 5:21) before he breaks it down into wives submit, husbands love—NOT wives submit, husbands lead. Nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly state, “Husbands lead, wives submit.” When the church twists the Christian message of mutual love and submission into “lead and submit,” LOVE is lost.
In a recent social media post, my husband captured the corruptive nature of complementarian theology (male leadership/female submission) in marriage no matter how well-intentioned the couple. Thought I’d share.
My wife and I were “healthy” complementarians for a long time, and worked to make decisions mutually, but it’s pretty insidious how the mindset of “Godly women submit” seeps into everything. For a woman, you can’t truly have a voice when you’re taught theologically that your voice is not as valuable.
As men, it’s very difficult for us to understand just how deeply women internalize the message to “submit”, even in the “most healthy” of complementarian settings. That’s why it’s so important to listen to and learn from women’s voices and perspectives on this topic.
Women are getting the message “men lead, women submit” taught to them early on – from church (even subconsciously, through leadership structure), books, media, etc. and by the time you get to marriage (and during), it’s very much internalized, even part of their identity.
Even with a loving husband who wants to love and listen to his wife, when a disagreement occurs, the wife feels the weight of her entire complementarian theology and church upbringing, taught to her from childhood, pressuring her to agree with her husband – all out of a desire to honor God. How could she not agree? What kind of wife would she be then?
If submission is the goal, it’s difficult for the wife to discern when to disagree. When she does convince her husband to her way of thinking, there’s guilt that perhaps she didn’t honor God, that perhaps she should have just “submitted”. This is what happens when “wives submit” (Eph 5:22) has been emphasized all throughout her life, at the expense of “submit to one another” (Eph 5:21).
Complementarianism isn’t healthy for men either. We’ve always been in that position of power, with the belief that our voice is more important, more valuable, more entitled to be heard, so when we (men) decide to “listen” to our wives, we view it as “sacrifice” – look how loving we are, sacrificing for our wives! How godly! Power and entitlement twists our “love” into pride.
How can we have a truly healthy marriage? Wouldn’t God want us to have a healthy marriage? In complementarian settings, we are so quick and eager to emphasize “wives submit to husbands” (Eph 5:22), that we skip over the verse that precedes it: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph 5:21) Suddenly, it’s clear. Both husband and wife are to submit to each other – mutually.
Notice how different translations of the Bible have section breaks at different places, and how this can be used to skew the meaning of the text. This is actually an interpretation of the text! The original text did not contain any chapter or section headings. Even worse, in the original text, the verb “submit” is not found in verse 22, but is “carried over” or “implied” from verse 21 – which ties the exhortation for wives to submit to husbands to the instruction for us to submit to “one another”. The most accurate rendering of the text may simply be without the section break at all, allowing Paul’s thoughts to flow through the letter of Ephesians as he originally intended.
Only with mutual submission (Eph 5:21) can a husband truly love (and submit to) his wife, laying down his power as Christ did for the church. Only with mutual submission can a wife express her voice with confidence that her husband values her, and that she equally is made in God’s Image.
Only in the context of mutual submission can a husband and wife, in marriage, truly be “one flesh” and “united” (Eph 5:31) – working through differences and disagreements with love and mutual submission, agreeing on a path for their marriage together.
Note: for a deeper dive on the Bible’s teachings on marriage, see my post A Husband-Focused View of Biblical Marriage.
But how does that work? What does mutual submission look like, practically?
What if we just can’t come to an agreement? Who gets to break the tie? Sheila Gregoire was one of the first to tackle “tie-breaking”, and her thoughts and article really helped my wife and I understand why “tie-breaking” doesn’t work.
“Tie-breaking” in marriage deceptively sounds good, because we’re familiar with other forms of tie-breaking – in sports, games, government, etc. However, in marriage, this idea of “tie-breaking” is actually harmful, not helpful, particularly when we say the husband always breaks the tie.
When we make an appeal to “needing a tie-breaker”, we’re taking a familiar, legitimate concept and mis-applying it. Think about tie-breaking in other contexts. What is it truly about? It’s about determining a winner (and therefore, a loser). In government, it’s about power. Having a power/winner/loser dynamic in marriage is certainly not “united” and “one flesh”, as God intended (Eph 5:31).
Additionally, real tie-breakers depend on an extra factor: an extra round, an extra vote, an extra criteria to consider. This isn’t the case when we say the man should always be the “tie-breaking” vote. This is really saying the man always wins, which is just permanent power for the man.
Think about it: in a marriage where the husband gets the “tie-breaking” vote, when does the wife’s voice actually matter? The husband has the choice to “lovingly sacrifice” and defer to his wife, but the wife doesn’t even get a choice of whether or not to defer to the husband, as either way, the husband gets his way through his “tie-breaking” vote.
Even the word “tie-breaking” should give us pause in marriage. It’s about breaking – not unifying. This is the opposite of “mutual submission” (Eph 5:21). Deferring to your spouse should always be a willing choice made in love – not an expectation to be demanded or forced.
So what does mutual submission look like practically? I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer. Every marriage is unique. Sometimes, a spouse may defer to the one with more expertise in an area, or to the one that would be most impacted. Other times, a season of prayer and dialogue may be needed to arrive at a decision.
If both agreed to it, even flipping a coin would actually be better than having the man always be the tie-breaker! With mutual agreement to defer to a factor not inherent to either spouse, it’s no longer about power and winning. Always in the end, both spouses should be in united and agree on the decision, moving forward in unison as “one flesh”. Talk, pray, debate, even argue – but in the end, don’t move forward without both spouses in unity. Don’t break the tie – be one in marriage as God intended.
Title image is American Gothic by Grant Wood
Related posts:
The Apostle Paul Led Me out of Patriarchy – Paul would be appalled to see the way his letters have become the letter of the law to restrict half of the human race from fully expressing the gifts of the Spirit.
Sex Idol: Where Evangelicals Worship & Women are Sacrificed – In white evangelicism, the fanaticism, money, & extrabiblical rules that revolve around sex scream idol worship, and the humanity of women is sacrificed on its altar.
Language: Labels & Longing – I don’t love the label egalitarian. I claim it, but labels are tricky things. Though often necessary to quickly capture complex subjects in easy, accessible language, the very act of simplifying people and ideas into labels obliterates nuance and oversimplifies complexity.
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Love this! A much needed read and should be shared with everyone! Thank you!
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Good article. Odd choice of art, a father and daughter.
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Thank you! I always read up on the background of a painting before I choose it for a post. I intentionally chose “American Gothic” because of the ambiguity of the relationship between the couple. The author may have envisioned the couple as father/daughter, but most viewers have interpreted the painting as husband/wife. The painting has often been mistitled as “An Iowa Farmer and His Wife.” When complementarians teach husband lead/wife submit, they are teaching a parent/child relationship, not a mutually submissive relationship of a healthy husband and wife. I thought the tension between the artist’s intention and the viewer’s interpretation made it an excellent piece for this post. For more on the history of the painting, see https://slate.com/culture/2005/06/the-most-famous-farm-couple-in-the-world.html
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I liked the way you differentiated love, not lead! This is brilliant. Thank you for highlighting the ESV, NIV Sectioning, or we may say “sex”tioning of that text!
Blessings
Kalpana
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Thank you for this article. I liked the way you pointed out that men love not lead! Thank you too for highlighting the sectioning or rather “Sextioning” in ESV/NIV.
Keep doing the good work for equality and equity!
Blessings
Kalpana
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Pulling out Ephesians 5:21 from the rest of that passage always bothered me. I attended a highly complementarian church with my now ex for 30 years, and not once did they include verse 21. Thank you for this thoughtful article.
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Can you please flesh out verses 23-24 a little bit more? This is where I’ve seen a lot of Complimentarians really bear down.
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In another social media post, my husband wrote:
There isn’t a single Bible verse of Godly instruction for husbands to lead their wives, so why do many teach this? “husbands lead & wives submit” is a toxic & false twisting of Scripture, & only focuses on instructions to wives! Let’s look in the Bible at the WHOLE picture.
Scripture teaches mutual submission in marriage, with husband & wife submitting to *each other*, with instructions to BOTH. By downplaying & de-emphasizing the instructions to husbands, of course you’d end up with a one-sided view of submission being only for the wife.
Eph 5:22 is commonly quoted: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Saying that this instructs husbands to lead their wives in marriage ignores verses around it, & turns this clear instruction to wives into a made-up instruction for husbands!
Right before v22, Eph 5:21 says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. Verse 22 doesn’t even contain the verb “submit” in the original language; it’s “borrowed” from verse 21. It really reads more like: “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives to husbands…”
“wives submit” in v22 is a continuation of “submit to one another”. The Bible doesn’t say for wives to submit in a vacuum – it’s given in the context of MUTUAL submision. v22 doesn’t negate v21, and isn’t an instruction for men to lead; it’s simply speaking first to wives.
Next, we have Eph 5:23: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Some read verse 23 & say “See? The husband’s like Christ, the *head* – so men lead, just like Christ”. Does “head” really mean “leader” or “ruler”?
Again, this is an example of not reading the FULL text. Rather than jumping to the conclusion that “head” means “King” or “Ruler” (which Christ certainly is), what does the text say? v23 itself answers this question. The text could have just as easily said “…of which he is the King”, but it doesn’t. The entire verse is describing Christ as SAVIOR.
In fact, if you KEEP reading to where Eph actually gives instructions to husbands, you find that Eph instructs husbands to love & *sacrifice* for their wives, NOT lead them.
Eph 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”
Eph 5:28: “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
Men aren’t to lead their wives. Men are to love their wives as self! When a man sacrifices his own preferences, desires, & loves his wife as self, that IS submission!
Eph 5:21 sets the entire context of mutual submission for the subsequent verses regarding marriage. Not once do you ever find an instruction for husbands to lead their wives. It simply doesn’t exist. Husbands are to submit to wives, just as wives are to submit to husbands.
But what about other verses, like 1 Peter 3:5? “They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.” Again – these are verses about wives, not instructions to husbands. Let’s see what this section of the Bible says to men.
1 Peter 3:7: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Where does it say for husbands to lead wives? Rather, husbands are to treat their co-heirs in Christ with consideration & respect – not doing so will actually *hinder* their prayers.
This isn’t a command to “lead”. It’s instructing husbands to treat wives how they want to be treated themselves, by being considerate & showing respect. If you’re still not convinced and still think that husbands have more authority in marriage, look at 1 Cor 7:4b: “Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
The Bible literally gives *authority* of the man’s own body to his wife. Without authority over even his own body, how could he have sole authority to lead?
Some will quickly point out the wife doesn’t either (1 Cor 7:4a), and that’s exactly the point. Husband & wife are called to mutually submit to each other, not rule over one another.
Because the Bible teaches *mutuality* in marriage, teaching & emphasizing only half of those verses will of course result in a twisted, one-sided perspective. Don’t build your marriage based on instructions to just one spouse. Look at the entire picture of mutuality!
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The conservative teaching of female submission/male leadership, rooted in patriarchal theology, often called “complementarianism,” harms. Many couples mistakenly believe these teachings help because they experienced healing in their marriage when the women led by submission. The key is SHE LED. She had the agency to choose, and she followed Jesus’ example. The conservative teaching of male leadership disempowers women and leads to abuse. Jesus didn’t always lead by submission. He stood up to bullies and protected the oppressed. Women are empowered to do the same.
Women are called primarily to love, not to submission, and men are called to love, which includes submission. Men are not called to lead/lord over women. Submission is only a part of love, not the whole of love. God is Love. Love includes (but not limited to) wisdom, mercy, justice, truth, protection, self-control, grace, boundaries, even anger (slow to anger, not never angry). Wisdom is required to know how to love others well. For every story of a marriage saved by submission, there is a story of a woman abused because she was taught by the church that her only option was submission. The couples whose marriages were actually saved by female leadership in submission but teach it as “husband leads, wife submits” empower other men to abuse and remove a woman’s agency to love well. Love does not require one to submit to abuse.
Woe to anyone who elevates female submission above mutual submission. Woe to anyone who elevates female submission above the greatest commandments to Love God and Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.
For a biblical definition of submission, see https://margmowczko.com/submission-in-marriage/
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